there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
