so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
