my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
