my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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