this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
