You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Are we still banned from the library?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
