last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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