after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
