sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
