There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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