Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
