i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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