I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
