She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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