I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
