They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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