I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
