so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
