fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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