i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
