oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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