The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
