why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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