we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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