Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
