yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
