Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
