We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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