There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize