so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
