dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I can text with my tongue
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I can't put those talents on a resume
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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