just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
