Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
