I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
