they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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