I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I want to have your abortion
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
