I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
