After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We are all done wearing pants today
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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