sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
you had me at cake vodka
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
