When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
