and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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