8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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