We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
