my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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