I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
