i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
