do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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