and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
