You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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