can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
