I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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