The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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