you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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