I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you win again, gameday.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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